PART ONE: Denial.
Two newlyweds, blinded by love, have moved to the Big City of Seattle, and are looking for their first place to rent as Real Live Grownups.
Wife: La de da! Look at this cute house! Isn’t it cute? And charming? And cute?
Husband: It’s close to the bus line. In our budget. Has space for my tools. It’ll work.
Wife: Um, is that rat poison in the cupboard? Have you had an, um, rodent problem?
Shifty Landlord: Yeah, we had a small problem with mice months ago but it’s fixed now. I just haven’t thrown the box out yet (belch. scratch). The house has been vacant for six months so it’s all clear. No problems.
Wife: La de da! Rainbows! Unicorns! Sparkly things!
Husband: If you say so, love…
PART TWO: Reality.
In this scene, we find the newlyweds on Night One of their New Life, surrounded by unpacked boxes and blissful ignorance.
Husband: Did you hear that?
Wife: What, the sound of hope and promise? Isn’t it beautiful?
Husband: No, the sound of a rodent. Or rodents, plural. It sounds like a Rodent Party in the attic!
Wife: Oh my. I don’t think we were invited.
Later that day….
Shifty Landlord: Huh. I’m shocked to hear there’s a problem. I barely believe you, but I’ll send someone out when I get around to it. Right after I get done counting all my money.
Wife: Um, thanks?
PART 2B: WTF.
In this sub-scene, we find the newlyweds on the morning of Day Two of their New Life, surrounded by unpacked boxes and sneaking suspicions.
Husband: Hey, love? When you get a minute, no rush, you may want to come in here.
Wife: (struggling to stand while her wobbly knees start to buckle under her) Honey? Um, please tell me you want me to come see a rainbow. Or a unicorn. Or something sparkly.
Husband: THEY. ARE. COMING. OUT. OF. THE. TOILET.
Wife: (from her fetal position on the ground) WHAT?!?! WHAT?!?? OH MY GOD WHAT??!
Sewer Rat: Hey, fella. I’ve got myself in much more of a mess than you do. Now can you get me out of here? I can’t get my grip on the sides of this slippery porcelain and I can’t hold on for much loooooonnnnnggggerr……
(Sound of scraping claws on wet porcelain and then – PLOP! – water splashing).
Wife: (through fits of hysteria and heavy crying) What should we do? What should we do? What should we do? This is not my beautiful life! This is not my beautiful home!
Husband: (slams down lid) Get the cats! Pack a bag! We’re out of here!
PART 3: Moral of Story.
When you find yourself in new situations, keep your eyes open. And the lights on. And the lid down.
In conclusion, I have added “make therapy appointment” to my To-Do list after reliving this traumatic, you-can’t-make-this-crap-up memory.
Do you (normally) leave the lid up or down? I’d love to hear from you!